Mondays...

Today is another Monday and hopefully a much better day mentally. I think I spent most of last night feeling sorry for myself. Most of my views on the situation haven't changed though, although this morning the goal I've set for myself is to accept the fact that my dream wedding isn't going to happen and move on with it. Today I will go on with my normal activities and pretend the idea of weddings never crossed my mind to begin with. It's my only way to deal really and that's what I'll do. I got a little bit of laundry today so that will be fun. A mother's job is never done lol! But I'll have my little buddy Aradia with me and she always brightens my day with each smile she flashes me. Throughout all my life, even before she was an idea, I have held on in adversity for her. I've wanted her so bad that my reason for living was always her. We've grown really close I think. I sincerely hope that years down the road when she has her very own family to care for, we are still close. My family consists of too much pride and criticism amongst us all and I hope she never feels like she can fail for fear of disappointing us. Sure she might do things I'm not to keen on as a mother. But I will always make it very clear to her that as long as she is doing something that makes her happy, and as long as she does it with passion she will NEVER disappoint me. And as far as failure I'm concerned, I of all people know that failure is an inevitable concept, we all will suffer some bit of failure throughout the course of a lifetime. It's what comes of that failure that makes us great. She she will never be unable to come to me and look me in the eye and say I failed. I tried my hardest but failed. I will never look down on her and I will always be there to assure her tomorrow will be a new start. I love that girl so incredibly much and I only want her to be happy. She most definitely has the most loving family in the world. Granted I'm sure her and Rian will have some lovely "discussions" when she brings home the scum of the earth as boyfriends but both myself and Rian will always be there when her heart gets broken...although I'll have to figure out where I'm gonna have to chain him if his little girl gets hurt lol! I do know however, that despite all the future arguments those two might have over boyfriends, I know that if she were to come to us and say that she really is in love with someone and that he really loves her that Rian would be more supportive than my family ever knew how to be. Although, thank goodness the idea of her getting married won't be for QUITE awhile cuz I don't think I could keep myself from being a teary little mess lol! but for now I think I will go wake her up, collect my morning smile, and begin our new day together!

Done with Weddings...Tired of "Love"...

I don't know what I should think or do anymore. Tonight I finally realized that there will not be a wedding. And right now every fiber of my being is heartbroken. Go figure. All my life as far back as my childhood, I have pictured myself in the perfect white wedding gown standing next to the perfect man exchanging vows in front of a family that loves me unconditionally. Now...I'm over it. I'm over trying to hold on to ANY of my dreams. I'm over pretending everything's all right. I AM MISERABLE RIGHT NOW! Maybe I'm being selfish. Rian and Aradia deserve a place to live. But I have given up my dreams for so many people! My dreams of dancing and singing, my dreams of college and a fabulous career doing something meaningful to me. The only dream I have now is Aradia. I can't even say Rian is a dream come true anymore cuz he's only available in between video games and only if his favorite sports teams are winning. If not, he's unapproachable. All I wanted was a decent wedding. I wanted to show my family AND myself that I'm not just some screw up and I was going to marry this man, the father of my beautiful daughter and together we would work towards a life of happiness and security. Now, it's all over and I have the embarrassing task of telling my entire family that there will be no wedding, that once again I fucked up. I get to be looked upon by them as the one who failed at marriage before it was even achieved. I just wanted to be happy for once, if only for one day. At this point I don't think I would want to marry Rian anymore. I can't keep doing this just to have it all ruined again and again. I don't want some stupid court house thing and I don't want to push it back where people I would like to be in attendance might not be able to go. And for once, my Dad PROMISED me he would actually be there for the first time in my life to give me away...and now...I can't keep doing this. And honestly, I don't think it's even fair to Rian and Aradia to keep going like this. I mean honestly, twenty years from now, will I end up hating him? Blaming him for not doing more to give me that one day I've dreamed of for so long? I can't say I probably wouldn't do the same thing if I was in his shoes. I wish my credit wasn't fucked up. I'd get my own fucking credit card and do anything in my power to accomplish my dream...but my credit is fucked up and it's Rian's money to do with what he wants not mine. But again, years from now will I hate him for his decision. I'm sure he thinks its not a big deal, that I'm over reacting. He always says that about everything that upsets me, like it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. I love him so damn much, don't get me wrong, but lately I feel as if I'm the only one trying to have a relationship. I've taken over finances to relieve some of his stress, I clean his clothes, make him breakfast and lunch, I'll cleaned for him. I feel like a lot of the times it goes unnoticed and nonreciprocating. He works, I don't so I guess I should shut my fucking mouth huh? And he doesn't even want to be married to me anyways, he's blatantly said he didn't want to but said we could. So... he took no part at all trying to help plan, every time I'd mention how much I looked forward to being his wife, he give me some short empty answer like 'really, me too' then go back to whatever it is he was doing. THIS WAS NOT HOW I WANTED THINGS TO BE!!!!! I wanted romance not just sexual satisfaction. Our last two sexual encounters guess how many times he kissed me...none, not one tiny little peck on the cheek. And he gets sooo angry when I question whether or not he loves me. But actions are so much louder than words. He plays his game more than he talks to me as if he's trying to avoid me, then if that's the case, why are we even together?! I wanted romance, love, devotion, a beautiful wedding I can tell my beautiful daughter about years from now, why can't I have that?
Well, I am giving up my last set of dreams along with a very large portion of myself to make him happy. He doesn't want a wedding, we won't have one. I've deleted all of my bookmarks and emails about wedding things and next time I chat with my family I'll let everyone know that it will not happen. Frankly, I wonder if Rian can get a refund and return the rings because I look at them now and I feel sick to my stomach with heartache. But hey, if he can get a refund that's one less thing he'll have to pay on. I love him and I will do that for him. I won't mention a wedding anymore. I will do that for him The question is, what REALLY is he willing to do for me? Now it seems simple affection and attention is too much to ask of him. I'll stop mentioning that for him. I won't even rag him on his games anymore, I'll do that for him. I'll simply go upstairs to my daughter's room and watching her angelic face as she sleeps. I am afraid though, afraid with all my heart and soul because I love him so much that one day I'll stop giving up pieces of me for him. That one day I'll begin to believe that it's no longer worth the effort to gain his affection...I pray with everything in me that I NEVER believe that. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM AS A FAMILY BECAUSE I HAVE LOVED HIM DEEPLY FOR YEARS....

Section 8 or Bust....

I really question the basic intelligence of people sometimes. I understand that the intentions are good, for the most part, but I really wonder. Take for example, today. Today my social worker came for her monthly visit. Had I known, she be such a pain, I never would have signed up for the program. Actually, to be honest, I think there's a serious misrepresentation about the whole thing. When she first called, it was called "Childcare Services" provided by the hospital. Now, me and Rian are thinking it's a day care program. Well, turns out its voluntary scrutiny by Virginia Beach's finest social workers...or not. Now, I'm a young, first-time mother and I gladly accept the offer of friendly advice from time to time. I am not, however, an ignorant crack-whore, popping out babies so I can sell food stamps for drugs. That's apparently a hard concept to grasp for this woman. I'm far from perfect but I think I do a good job. Well, last month she criticized everything from the food I was feeding her, to our dog Sarah. Last month was irritating, but this month was over the top ignorant. Her first concerned of course was the food I was feeding her again. "Don't feed her fruits to start or she won't eat vegetables" Of course, she eats fruits for breakfast, vegetables for lunch, meat and veggies for dinner and dessert if she's good. Not one problem with any of the foods. Plus my pediatrician said start with fruits so the transition into solid foods was a pleasant experience. Who do you think I listened to there? Then she disapproved with the feeding schedule. I feed her when she's hungry as much as she wants to eat, no more no less. she says "babies need structure" I say, I'd rather her eat out of hunger as opposed to eating only out of routine hungry or not. I think eating when hungry is the key to staying trim. Whatever. Then it was bedtime, she needs structure in a crib. She sleeps in a crib but falls asleep on her granny's lap. So what where she falls asleep. She's being loved and nurtured, what's wrong with that? Plus, she sleeps through the night. I think we are doing very well. But the best one yet is the section 8 housing. She says, "I highly recommend you applying for section 8 housing. It's based off of his (Rian's) income and you can stay at home with the baby till she's ready to go to school." WHAT?!! First of all, Section 8 housing is based on income without current expenses. So we couldn't do it after all. Second of all, I AM NOT STAYING UNEMPLOYED THAT LONG!!!!! Aradia won't start school for several years! I'll go insane before that. Third of all, Section 8 housing around here is a neighborhood called Twin Canals. This neighborhood is notorious for gun issues, burglary, gang violence and drugs. Sounds like a nice family place doesn't it? Give me a fucking break! When I said that I didn't think we were ready for a move like that, she proceeds to insist that living here in this quiet, safe, little neighborhood with his parents is unhealthy and we need our own space. Okay, so lets recapfor those of us who are too smart to understand what she just said. She said that my fiance and my infant daughter shouldn't live with the nurturing, loving, family in this safe neighborhood to live in the drug, gun and gang infested projects were it's "healthier" for us. Answer me this, how is a kilo of crack and bullet holes in the window safer than the loving arms of family? The best part is, she herself admits she would never dare walk that area after dark...hmmmmm I wonder why? Frankly, I think she has a couple of screws loose. I'm staying right where I'm at thank you very much. And you know what? If that makes me a terrible mother then I'll take that hit really. I'll be okay. Unfortunately for me, the program I signed up for, lasts the first year of Aradia's life. That means five more months of ignorance. I can't wait....
I think what it comes down to, is that I have been so concerned and self conscience of my success as a mother, that I've spent way to much time relying on the advice of other people instead of listening to my own instincts. I'm not an idiot and the more I listen to these "bits" of advic, the more I realize how much better off I would have been if I just figured it out for myself. Rian and I are good parents, who love our baby more than ourselves. She is always fed until full, cleaned, bathed, dressed and loved like no other. At the end of the day, what more does this child need?

Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

There's something about standing outside during a rainstorm that's so liberating. We had a storm today and I stood outside and felt the warm rain drops fall on my face and drip down my back. It's almost a spiritual thing. Standing out there, I felt as though I was being baptized by the Earth. As I stood out there surrounded, unable to hide from the rain, all of my loneliness seemed to disappear for that brief moment, even as thunder crashed around me. And then the sun came out and gently kissed my rain drop soaked face and it was if layers of negativity were washed away. It must be the Pagan in me. Sometimes, amidst those not of my belief system, I forget what it means to be Pagan. It's more than spells and potions, it's more than untamed sexuality and elemental worship. At the end of the day, it's believing in the presence of the very things we see everyday. As, I stood outside with rain drops on my cheeks, feeling the warm wind slither through my drenched clothes I felt apart of something bigger than anything the average person can see. I not only saw nature or experienced it, I BECAME nature. Despite any of my personal issues, the loneliness, the masked insecurity, I felt whole. That to me is what true Paganism is all about. I guess sometimes we all need a reminder, today was mine.

Another Typical Monday....08/03/09

So today was the typical Monday. My poor little girl Aradia didn't wake up until after noon. Then again after a day like yesterday, it's no surprise to me. It gave me plenty of time, though, to get a few things accomplished, like tidying up our living space and washing a few loads of laundry. When she finally did wake up, she was a complete angel. It makes me wonder, however, why she's always so well behaved for me and rotten once the household returns from their days. She never acts up...well actually, she rarely acts up for me when it's just us. Then again, I don't tolerate her acting up just to act up. She's teething now so I'm a bit more understanding. But if she fusses, I feed her, if that doesn't work I try changing her, putting Orajel on her mouth, playing with her, cuddling with her and all that. If all else fails, I just assume she's being poopy and put her down for a nap and ignore her for 30 minutes or so, providing of couse she's not screaming in pain or sick! Usually, once she's put down for a nap it's apparent that's what she needed, cuz she goes right to sleep.
Well, today, my poor Rian called me a little after noon saying he had a headache. Like the rest of the family, I assumed it was from his lack of sleep or lack of food. I told him that if his work was done and he couldn't take it anymore to just come home. sure enough, around 2:30pm, he calls me saying he was on the way home. So like the good caring wifey I am, I made him tuna sandwiches and poured him some V8 splash and laced it with Goodies powder for headaches. (Now for the record, Rian absolutely REFUSES to swallow any form of pill, which makes me nervous for when he's 85 and pills are his only chance at keeping himself alive) Then I turned down the bedsheets upstairs and got out comfy clothes for him. About two minutes after I had finished preparing for him, he came sulking into the kitchen. The poor thing looked awful to say the least. Well, I got him into bed with his medicine and food and set up the baby monitor so he could call me if he needed anything and left him be to finish some more housework. Every now and then, I'd check up on him and he would whine and fuss for me to stay with him...I absolutely adore it when he clings to me like that, he's so cute. Of course, I would have to go back downstairs occasionally and check on the baby. One time, I went to check on her and she had fallen flat on her face and had gone to sleep! I always love when she does cute little baby things like that.
The thing about Rian's migraine that I didn't get was that he became very itchy, um by the way itchy to me is synonymous with horny! But, I was trying to tell him that sex only relieves headaches NOT migraines. Trying to talk a man out of wanting sex is like trying to convince the sun not to come up. I gave in of course, as I always do. It always feels so good, but I felt soooo guilty afterwards like I was taking advantage of a sick man.
It was nice though, how he matyred himself by saying I take care of him and he doesn't always take the time so by doing what he did, he was pushing passed the pain to show me he loves me. It was really nice, unnecessary for him to suffer through, but nice. Although, I'm pretty sure there wasn't any suffering during the fact! I don't know what it comes down to, I guess, is the litle things we do for each other keeps our relationship strong and healthy and I deeply cherish those little things like that.