Done with Weddings...Tired of "Love"...

I don't know what I should think or do anymore. Tonight I finally realized that there will not be a wedding. And right now every fiber of my being is heartbroken. Go figure. All my life as far back as my childhood, I have pictured myself in the perfect white wedding gown standing next to the perfect man exchanging vows in front of a family that loves me unconditionally. Now...I'm over it. I'm over trying to hold on to ANY of my dreams. I'm over pretending everything's all right. I AM MISERABLE RIGHT NOW! Maybe I'm being selfish. Rian and Aradia deserve a place to live. But I have given up my dreams for so many people! My dreams of dancing and singing, my dreams of college and a fabulous career doing something meaningful to me. The only dream I have now is Aradia. I can't even say Rian is a dream come true anymore cuz he's only available in between video games and only if his favorite sports teams are winning. If not, he's unapproachable. All I wanted was a decent wedding. I wanted to show my family AND myself that I'm not just some screw up and I was going to marry this man, the father of my beautiful daughter and together we would work towards a life of happiness and security. Now, it's all over and I have the embarrassing task of telling my entire family that there will be no wedding, that once again I fucked up. I get to be looked upon by them as the one who failed at marriage before it was even achieved. I just wanted to be happy for once, if only for one day. At this point I don't think I would want to marry Rian anymore. I can't keep doing this just to have it all ruined again and again. I don't want some stupid court house thing and I don't want to push it back where people I would like to be in attendance might not be able to go. And for once, my Dad PROMISED me he would actually be there for the first time in my life to give me away...and now...I can't keep doing this. And honestly, I don't think it's even fair to Rian and Aradia to keep going like this. I mean honestly, twenty years from now, will I end up hating him? Blaming him for not doing more to give me that one day I've dreamed of for so long? I can't say I probably wouldn't do the same thing if I was in his shoes. I wish my credit wasn't fucked up. I'd get my own fucking credit card and do anything in my power to accomplish my dream...but my credit is fucked up and it's Rian's money to do with what he wants not mine. But again, years from now will I hate him for his decision. I'm sure he thinks its not a big deal, that I'm over reacting. He always says that about everything that upsets me, like it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. I love him so damn much, don't get me wrong, but lately I feel as if I'm the only one trying to have a relationship. I've taken over finances to relieve some of his stress, I clean his clothes, make him breakfast and lunch, I'll cleaned for him. I feel like a lot of the times it goes unnoticed and nonreciprocating. He works, I don't so I guess I should shut my fucking mouth huh? And he doesn't even want to be married to me anyways, he's blatantly said he didn't want to but said we could. So... he took no part at all trying to help plan, every time I'd mention how much I looked forward to being his wife, he give me some short empty answer like 'really, me too' then go back to whatever it is he was doing. THIS WAS NOT HOW I WANTED THINGS TO BE!!!!! I wanted romance not just sexual satisfaction. Our last two sexual encounters guess how many times he kissed me...none, not one tiny little peck on the cheek. And he gets sooo angry when I question whether or not he loves me. But actions are so much louder than words. He plays his game more than he talks to me as if he's trying to avoid me, then if that's the case, why are we even together?! I wanted romance, love, devotion, a beautiful wedding I can tell my beautiful daughter about years from now, why can't I have that?
Well, I am giving up my last set of dreams along with a very large portion of myself to make him happy. He doesn't want a wedding, we won't have one. I've deleted all of my bookmarks and emails about wedding things and next time I chat with my family I'll let everyone know that it will not happen. Frankly, I wonder if Rian can get a refund and return the rings because I look at them now and I feel sick to my stomach with heartache. But hey, if he can get a refund that's one less thing he'll have to pay on. I love him and I will do that for him. I won't mention a wedding anymore. I will do that for him The question is, what REALLY is he willing to do for me? Now it seems simple affection and attention is too much to ask of him. I'll stop mentioning that for him. I won't even rag him on his games anymore, I'll do that for him. I'll simply go upstairs to my daughter's room and watching her angelic face as she sleeps. I am afraid though, afraid with all my heart and soul because I love him so much that one day I'll stop giving up pieces of me for him. That one day I'll begin to believe that it's no longer worth the effort to gain his affection...I pray with everything in me that I NEVER believe that. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM AS A FAMILY BECAUSE I HAVE LOVED HIM DEEPLY FOR YEARS....